Moments When Ianto Thought:
by Kefirah
Summary: drabble-esque moments when Ianto realized certain things about Jack.
1. Chapter 1 - I want him!

**Characters:** Capt. Jack H., Ianto J., unless specified.

**Pairing: **Jack/Ianto always

**Rating: **T overall for language and content

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Torchwood or any of its characters or plot lines, nor do I receive money from these stories.

**A/N: **These drabble-esque chapters are taken from Ianto's point of view. Most of them don't have warnings other than canon-related angst and death. If you've seen the episodes that they're related to, you'll know. Only the last two have serious angst triggers. Thanks as always to my muse, my friend and my talented beta, **triquetralin**. Reviews are extremely appreciated!

**The Moments When Ianto Thought:**

**Summary:** Chapter 1 – "I want him"

**Spoiler: **_Cyberwoman_

**Setting:** Pre-Series One

**Warnings:** Sexual content, swearing

"_**I want him."**_

The first time had been when Ianto was lying on top of Jack on that warehouse floor, an unconscious pteranodon lying beside them. That night Ianto had guiltily chalked it up to exhaustion, stress, worry for Lisa, the adrenalin rush, 51st century pheromones _(and Jesus fuck, what the hell did Jack mean by _THAT?!), and the urgent need to feel somebody's – anybody's – touch for one brief moment.

Four days later, Ianto knew differently. He was still stressed and exhaustion had a grip on him again. It was three a.m. and Lisa was finally as safe and secure and as stable as he could make her, secreted away and locked up in the depths of the Torchwood Hub. As he trudged up slowly through the halls and corridors to the main cavern, he noticed a light was still on in Jack's office. Stopping on the landing, Ianto glanced in.

Jack was sprawled in his office chair, one socked foot up on a corner of his desk. The pure white of his under-shirt seemed to glow in the soft lamplight. His head lolled back and Ianto could just see that his eyes were closed. The desk blocked the rest of Ianto's view but, with a startling burst of desire, he realized that Jack was caressing himself.

Ianto stood there, rooted to the floor, unable to breathe.

A hitch of Jack's shoulders brought Ianto out of his reverie and his foot scraped audibly on the metal mesh of the landing. Jack, exhibiting far less embarrassment than any man should in such a situation, raised his head, eyes focusing on Ianto standing there. He blinked, then seemed to become aware of his surroundings.

"Ianto! What are you still doing here?" He glanced at the clock as if to affirm the lateness of the hour.

"I ... um, lost track of time." Without conscious thought, Ianto followed the steps up to Jack's office, only stopping as he reached the threshold.

Other than his head, Jack hadn't moved. His leg was still draped over the desk, dusty outlines of his toes darkening the sole of his sock. At this angle, Ianto could see Jack's hand, relaxed and quiet in his lap. He wasn't sure just how relieved he was that there wasn't anything untoward to see.

"Is there anything ...?" Jack asked, his voice husky and low, pitched just for the two of them. "Anything I can do for you, Ianto?"

"I was thinking of asking you the exact same thing ... sir." Ianto let his eyes say the rest.

Jack braced his heel on the desk and pushed his chair back, the wheels squeaking. It was all the invitation Ianto needed. One long stride took him across the office and he dropped to his knees in front of the chair.

There was no preamble, no kiss, not a word spoken, just a driving hunger, a need to taste Jack's skin, inhale that intoxicating scent (_seriously! What the fuck _was_ it?!_) and feel the firmness of his body again. He took Jack with an urgent intensity – absolutely no points for neatness or manners.

Later, on the way home for a shower and a change of clothes, there was no guilt, no litany of excuses. Even with Lisa lying just metres below Jack's office, life-support hissing with every breath, Ianto let it go. He'd seen how Jack had hacked the CCTV cameras to erase their momentary encounter.

Needs must when the devil drives.


	2. Chapter 2 - I hate him!

**Summary:** Chapter 2 – "I hate him"

**Rating: **T

**Spoiler: **_Cyberwoman_

**Setting: **_Cyberwoman_

**Warnings: **None

"_**I hate him!"**_

"You execute her, or I'll execute you both!" Spittle flew as Jack ground the words out between clenched teeth, pure rage in his eyes.

Hatred bloomed in Ianto's own eyes. "I won't do it. You can't make me. You like to think you're a hero, but you're the biggest monster of all."

He meant those words. Love didn't exist in Jack, couldn't ever. All his years of working for Torchwood must have emptied his soul, Ianto figured, and he now believed there couldn't be anything loving left inside him; Jack was just a shell of a man, living on delusions of grandeur. He had to save the world even if it meant killing them one by one. Oh, he'd have his reasons – fates worse than death, threats to society as he saw it – but Ianto knew it meant only death.

Well, let him. Ianto had no life if Lisa died. He had risked too much to keep her alive. He was a shell himself, with a hard knot of rotted yolk, that once was Lisa, rattling inside. If Jack was the murder weapon pointed at Lisa, he might as well take them both.

But what made Ianto hate Jack with an intensity that soured his gut and made him choke was that while he knew Jack would kill Lisa, heartlessly and easily, he couldn't trust Jack to pull the trigger on him.


	3. Chapter 3 - I forgive him!

**Summary:** Chapter 3 – "I forgive him"

**Rating: **T

**Spoiler: **_Small Worlds_

**Setting: **_Small Worlds_

**Warnings:** None

"_**I forgive him."**_

They didn't talk to Jack for days, the Hub echoing with stilted sentences to each other and angry footsteps on the metal grating. The heat of held-back tears throbbed in Gwen's eyes, cold disappointment steeled Tosh's gaze. Even Owen, irreverent of life and death, stared blankly when Jack passed by.

_Monster_. The word hissed in echoing whispers. Ianto could feel the sound of it on his own tongue. He'd said it himself, and meant it, at the time.

A girl was lost so the world could be saved. How was that so different from Lisa?

Ianto heard the sobs, saw the stark eyes even if the others didn't. He saw the regret behind the firmness of purpose. If making the hard decisions made Jack a monster, he would take that burden and live with it.

And as Jack's heart hardened, Ianto's melted just a little.


	4. Chapter 4 - I love him!

**Summary:** Chapter 4 – "I love him"

**Rating: **T

**Spoiler: **_To The Last Man_

**Setting: **_To The Last Man_

**Warnings: **None

"_**I love him."**_

Tommy would be gone tomorrow. Really, really gone this time – no yearly revivals, no check-ups, no insouciant smirk across the table as he murdered Ianto's best English fry-up. Time was a bitch, sometimes.

As always, Tommy's presence made Ianto think of life and death. A man, no older than himself, torn apart by war. Ianto could say his life was just as hectic, just as deadly and dangerous – he knew the history of Torchwood as well as, or better than, anyone other than Jack. Gwen didn't get it, just saw faces in blurry photos. They were already dead to her. It didn't matter to her whether they died at ninety-four or twenty-four. To Ianto, who had gone through all the personnel files, calculating all the dates, Torchwood was as deadly as any war.

Here was this young soldier, out of his time, lost but patiently waiting. Did it make sense to him, the glimpses of progress he saw as he waited to be returned or did he not care what changed year by year so long as he could stay one more day apart from that horrific past?

Maybe Tommy had read H.G. Wells. Certainly Ianto had and it didn't make time travel any less nonsensical to him. Just when Ianto thought he had it sorted, a kink in the rift or an off-hand comment from Jack would spin him around again, making him dizzy.

He leaned against Jack's desk, eyes full of this strange captain of his, barely listening to the words, just floating on the hum of his voice. Had it always been that warm and passionate?

With a start, Ianto realized that Jack, too, couldn't help but be thinking of life and death now. For him it had to be much more immediate and real. What was it like to die and revive, time after time? Surely he must have regrets, losses, lives he missed more than others.

" ... people I never would have known if I'd stayed where I was." Jack caught Ianto staring. "And I wouldn't change that for the world."

Despite his words, Jack was just as much a man lost in time as Tommy. And like the young soldier, Jack didn't think of his teetering balance on the cusp of life and death; he just held on with all his strength and driving passion to what was good and beautiful right here and right now.

Ianto didn't blink, just leaned forward and kissed Jack, kissed him for all he was worth, for Tommy, for Gerald and Harriet, for all the deaths and all the lives Jack had seen.

_I love you, Jack Harkness._ Ianto kissed him for that, too.


	5. Chapter 5 - I would kill for him!

**Summary:** Chapter 5 – "I would kill for him"

**Rating: **T

**Spoiler: **_Meat_

**Setting: **_Meat_

**Warnings:** Hint of character death (canon) and possible death

"_**I would kill for him." **_

"Pray they survive." Ianto's voice surprised even himself, dark and deadly earnest, as he pressed the gun to Dale's forehead and pulled the trigger.

He didn't hesitate. Dale hadn't.

Electricity sparked blue, singeing hair and skin, but all Ianto was aware of was the sharp click of the empty chamber from Dale's gun, a few moments ago.

Ianto had come so close. The gun had been point-blank. There was no doubt in his mind he should have been dead. But that wasn't the reason he felt a cold heartlessness inside him as he pulled the trigger.

The risks Jack took went above and beyond the call of duty. Death wasn't permanent for him and Ianto knew it – knew that he and the team could count their own lives ten times over for every time Jack saved them. But that didn't mean it hurt Jack any less, to be dragged back to life, screaming in agony, and Ianto couldn't avoid thinking of that either.

He would never admit just how much it tore him apart to see Jack die and revive – seeing that stillness and worrying if this time would be the last, the one time he wouldn't come back. Then watching him jolt awake, hearing the gasping scream as Jack was ripped back into this world. He vowed to himself to be there for him, an anchor to hold on to, giving Jack something to come back to, for as long as he could.

The empty click of the chamber had reminded him of just how thin the line to that anchor was, terrifying him with a sudden sense of vulnerability he hadn't been aware of until now. The fear hardened into a knot of ruthless anger and determination. It was time he took his own life into his hands, his and the other team members'. To keep Jack alive.


	6. Chapter 6 - He is mine!

**Summary:** Chapter 6 – "He is mine"

**Rating: **T

**Spoiler: **_Captain Jack Harkness, Something Borrowed_

**Setting: **_Something Borrowed_

**Warnings: **None

"_**He is mine."**_

Ianto knew what it was and it wasn't jealousy. Jack was the doting Papa, really. He didn't love Gwen _that _way and never would. Gwen knew it and if she sometimes had stars in her eyes, well, she also knew Rhys' worth.

No, Ianto's interruption of Jack's dance with Gwen at the wedding wasn't jealousy. He was biting the bullet and making a statement out loud and in public. Time to take whatever _this_ was out of the bedroom – or the boardroom, or the archives, or ... Well, no need to list them all.

He slid one arm around Jack's waist, his other hand clenching nervously against Jack's chest. Only as he felt Jack's body fitting against him and his strong fingers curling protectively around his knotted fist, did Ianto start to relax, slowly, by degrees.

When Jack had disappeared into 1941, and Ianto had had that bloody argument with Owen, he knew that something needed to be said or done if he was to gain any respect. Jack wouldn't mind – public displays of affection were practically _de rigueur_ in the 51st century, nothing special.

This was for him.


	7. Chapter 7 - I'm his!

**Summary:** Chapter 7 – "I'm his"

**Rating: **T

**Spoiler: **_CoE: Day 1_

**Setting: **_CoE: Day 1_

**Warnings: **Swearing

"_**I'm his"**_

"... like we were a couple ..."

"Well, we are. Does it matter?"

_Fuck you, Jack Harkness, and your 51st century snobbery! Yes, it bloody matters!_ Ianto tried not to glare at Jack across the dead body, even as he passed him the laser saw.

"It's all a bit new to me, is all," he said, squashing his feelings, concentrating on the work at hand.

He tried again later.

"She's calling us a couple now."

"What's your problem?" Jack's tone had a distinct whine to it, something Ianto had never heard before.

"Just saying ..." Ianto's voice trailed off as Jack whirled and walked away.

"I hate the word couple!" Jack just had to have the last word.

And again.

Until he was left, sitting on the steps of the Plass, more deeply hurt than he cared to admit. He had been trying to explain and Jack just shot him down. Couple-hood was a big thing. Jack should get that after all these years but no, he kept trying to live life in the future, impatient for the world to catch up with him.

_Well, fuck being a couple!_ Ianto got up off the steps, brushed himself off and went to take care of the business of finding a kid he could safely analyse and investigate.

"There was you, having dinner ... with a man ... in a restaurant." Rhiannon kept filling in the blanks, hoping her rock-headed brother would get what she was trying to say. None of the Joneses did subtle well; either too much or too little it was with them.

Ianto, far from being dense, was scrabbling, putting up bricks and mortar as fast as he could, trying to keep Rhiannon's insinuations out. _Not now! Please god, not now, not after _this_ morning with Jack!_

"He's my boss," Ianto finally said, stalling for time. Could he explain? She would understand, surely. Wouldn't she? _ ... and my lover? No, too romantic. My partner? No, not paired with boss. Jack and I ... we're a ... couple. Aaand I'm back to that again. Fuck!_

"It's weird." _That's a good start. Keep going! _ "It's not men. It's ... it's just him." _Oh god, it is! Whatever we are, I am his as much as he's mine. Does that sound possessive? Yes, okay a little. Fuck it, I know what I mean. No matter what, I am not discussing this with Jack!" _

"It's only him."


	8. Chapter 8 - I can't live without him!

**Summary:** Chapter 8 – "I can't live without him"

**Rating: **T

**Spoiler: **_CoE – Day 2_

**Setting: **_CoE – Day 2_

**Warnings: **Character death (canon), angst

"_**I can't live without him."**_

Ianto dropped the binoculars. The screaming cut off and only the sound of the machine drifted across the hill towards him, a chugging, heavy gurgle of wet cement spewing out of the long tube.

His stomach clenched and suddenly he was stumbling down the side of the hill, dropping to his hands and knees, vomiting in the weeds. He heaved and choked, his bruises throbbing and his ribs aching, long past the point when there was anything left in his stomach. He felt the cut on his cheek open up again, blood dribbling, mixing with tears, snot and vomit.

It was more than just the horror of what they were doing to him, more than knowing Jack was dead, again. Death was nothing new to Jack, dying and reviving time and again, _ad infinitum_, as he had in the past and would do far into the future past Ianto's own life – however long that would be. It was nothing new and Jack always dealt with it stoically.

For Ianto, things were changing. Jack's deaths always seemed to affect him, leaving him worried and feeling sick. But lately it was different, hitting him more and more with a gut-wrenching pain every time Jack died. It was the pain of being without him, a searing sense of loss. The realization that while Ianto breathed, his heart pounding regardless of his wishes, Jack's breath had stopped, his heart frozen. There was a physical emptiness to every breath without Jack.

The spasms finally ceased and Ianto sat back on his heels, wiping his mouth with his sleeve, oblivious to the crudity of the gesture.

Climbing back up the hill, he retrieved the binoculars, resolve hardening his gut. The only true thing about those moments where he existed without Jack was that it gave Ianto a definite purpose – to bring him back.


	9. Chapter 9 - I'll die for him!

**Summary:** Chapter 9 – "I'll die for him"

**Rating: **T

**Spoiler: **_End of Days, CoE – Day 4_

**Setting: **_CoE – Day 4_

**Warnings: **Character death (canon), off-the-charts angst

"_**I'll die for him."**_

"I love you!"

_God damn it, say it, Jack. I'm dying for you! Why can't you say it?!_

"Don't! Ianto? Stay with me now ..."

_You're killing us, Jack! All of us. Do you know that?_ Ianto was immediately contrite even though the thought hadn't been uttered. Jack, for all that he _was_ Torchwood, hadn't killed Tosh or Owen, and wasn't to blame now, not really.

Ianto struggled to blink, to breathe. Jack was just a blurry, pale mass in front of him now. "It was good, yeah?" he gasped, apologizing for something Jack would never know.

"Yeah," Jack's voice was quiet.

_It's worth it._ The pain, the lost future – he really had no regrets. It was harder for Jack, living on without him, without Tosh, Owen, all the others. It was his lot in life to stand guard and weep. Ianto couldn't begrudge Jack his long life knowing it was full of such pain. At least he'd had happiness. He'd been happy with Jack. Would Jack see that? Would he remember?

"Don't forget me!" he pleaded. _Don't forget the happiness, Jack. Understand?_

"Never could," Jack answered, tears welling up, even as he tried to make a joke of how long-suffering it had been living with Ianto.

"In a thousand years' time, you won't remember me."

"Yes, I will, Ianto. I promise. I will."

That was enough. Ianto felt his life slipping. Jack always kept his promises, never lied. He would remember Ianto, remember the good times, and smile.

It was worth it.


End file.
